Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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