my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
