normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Randomize
