why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
