I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
