In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
