I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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