I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize
