I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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