I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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