Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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