she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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