Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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