there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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