So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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