I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
this boner is exhausting
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
