i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
