It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
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I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
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I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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