i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Randomize
