Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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