Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
