I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
