im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
