your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
So drunk its hurt
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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