I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
