Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
