Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
