i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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