Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
