I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
