i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
