and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
