If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
