So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
