mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
