my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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