So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
