Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Randomize
