Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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