this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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