He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
