That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
