theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
