I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
