I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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