She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
