you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
