I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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