I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
