I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
