The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
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Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
The Olympian is in my bed
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