I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
