I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
