I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
