Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
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Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course I have a pirate flag
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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