Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
