hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
