I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
